A year without Mom.

[foxmonkey]

Mom died a year ago tonight. I took the day off to go to the cemetery but changed my mind. Just not quite there yet. Thought about going and how I haven't been yet, but...unh. Thinking about it gives me a headache. I'll go sometime this week, since I took the rest of the week off, but it was too much today.

I withdrew from things last year, understandably. We didn't have holidays - didn't pass out candy at Halloween, didn't cook at Thanksgiving, and didn't have Christmas. Since my mother would probably kick my butt if we did that this year - she loved the holidays, that's where I got my appreciation for the art of celebration - I'm already making plans. Thanksgiving will be small, probably just me, my father and Mr. Foxmonkey, with an invitation extended to my brother if he wants to join us. I plan on going crazy this Christmas, as that was my mom's favorite, and mine too.

The ushering in of the holidays has already begun. I went to Odd Lots today and found snowman ornaments that look like very delicate milk glass, but they're plastic! Mom probably would have rolled her eyes when I put them in the cart. ;-)

The year's flown by. I thought we'd have years to hang out and shop and talk about NSync (she was a fan), and I feel cheated that she's gone. I've mostly gotten over my anger that she's gone. I'm almost at a place where I can think about her for extended periods without tears. Almost.

If you haven't called your mom for a while, call her. Kiss her. Give her a squeeze. I'm so, so glad that I saw Mom the day before she died. We made plans to go shopping later in the week, plans to see On the Line, and I hugged her and kissed her goodbye. A little over twenty-four hours later she was gone.

I loved her so much; being a typical daughter, unfortunately, I didn't always show it. But I hope that she knew just how much I adored her.

Comments

Sadness and smiles

[seeksasylum.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear this is such a sad anniversary for you. My dad died four years ago and i still can't think about him without crying. and i'm also so glad i spent time with him that last week before i went back to school and that i talked to him on the phone the night before he died. the first year is a hard one though, and we didn't do holidays or anything that year either. but i'm glad to hear you're doing them this year and doing them in a way that you're comfortable with and keeping your mom with you at heart at the same time. It sounds like you two were close, my dad and i were too, and losing them leaves a hole like nothing else ever could. And i guess what i'm trying to say is. . .i don't even know what i'm trying to say. It sounds trite to say it gets better or easier, because it gets different, that's all. there's nothing else to compare it to to say it's better or easier. but different doesn't have to be bad, and tears aren't bad either. So, I guess I've rambled here enough. Just remember that you're not alone, you've got family and friends and your own guardian angel watching out for you, laughing at the snowmen ornaments you bought. . .

Lissa

Re: Sadness and smiles

[foxmonkey.livejournal.com]

It sounds trite to say it gets better or easier, because it gets different, that's all.

This reached out and grabbed me, and it's so, so true. It's just different. I still have the odd flash where I see something and think Mom will like it, or something will happen and I'll think, "I'll have to tell Mom about that," but yeah, it's different. And it's not easier, that's true, I think it's just a little less of a shock when you do remember that you can't show her or tell her.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. (((Lissa)))


laughing at the snowmen ornaments you bought. . .

They're my personal Christmas weakness. I can hear her in my head: "*How* many of those things do you have?"

(a little over 200, but don't tell anyone) :-)

Re: Sadness and smiles

[seeksasylum.livejournal.com]

I do that too! I was watching a movie the other day and was like, i can't wait to tell dad about this, we can see it again next time i'm home. and then it's like oh. yeah. but yeah, it's not easier, but it is different and it does get to be less of a shock,or at least less frequent of shock.

and there's nothing wrong with a snowman weakness and i will certainly keep your secret. :)

Lissa