foxmonkey | Three Boobgate-related articles - varying degrees of snark and humor.

Seen around the internet. Cutting because these are long.

From seattleweekly.com

This one is insane.

DEATH BY MIXTAPE
And the winner is . . . nobody! The 2004 Grammy Awards.
by Andrew Bonazelli

Some people can endure all gazillion hours of the Grammys, gobbling up the maudlin, overrated dead dude tributes, self-deifying acceptance soliloquies, and teeth-grating, opposites-repel presenter/performer tandems from hell. Weekly music editor Michaelangelo Matos is such an individual, cheerily embracing the vapid would-be spectacle, rattling off cute one-liners, and offering an unobtrusive, informative running historical commentary to boot. Weekly columnist Andrew Bonazelli, a misguidedly fervent backer of most things audacious and ironic, is not such an individual. I see Dave Matthews abetting Sting, Pharrell, and Vince Gill in botching the chorus to "I Saw Her Standing There" and screw the audacity and irony? it's about to take six more bullets, not two, for a proper Beatles reunion.

I risked Raiders of the Lost Ark-style spontaneous combustion and watched this year's rotting old bastard-thon for two damn good reasons. Numero uno: The EMP hosted a quasi-formal Grammy viewing party, which fulfilled all three of my Grammy day wishes: (1) complimentary Heineken, (2) complimentary chocolate-covered strawberries, (3) complimentary textbook-sincere yet supernaturally monotonous Krist Novoselic speech about the virtues of the all-ages scene. Numero dos: I was curious if, in the wake of what 47 percent of CNN poll respondents dubbed "a new low in entertainment" (the Justin "Absolved White Male Pariah" Timberlake/Janet "Damned Black Female Pariah" Jackson malfunction), the already notoriously stiff Grammys would buckle down on the naughty bits.

Just so we're all clear, let me outline my stance on this matter of utmost national importance: I don't buy records to ponder George Orwell's lasting effect on Thom Yorke. I buy records to ponder which ones people have sex to, which ones I'd like to have sex to, and which ones would make me burst out laughing during sex. It would take a hell of a lot more skin and a hell of a lot nastier innuendo than "I'ma have you nekkid by the end of this song" to offend me. JT might want to start with reminding me in every song that we're actually on track to give his boy-band-refugee punk ass a Lifetime Achievement award in 20 years.

So would the 2004 Grammys even try to sex us up, Color Me Badd-style? Things got off to a promising start at the Sky Church when Matos informed me that Prince would open with a Purple Rain medley . . . unless, of course, your definition of "promising" entails some joker from Queensrÿche introducing a condescending antipiracy campaign PSA ("What's the Download") in which a young lady downloads Pink's "God Is a DJ" in her bedroom, sapping the power from an unrelated, off-the-hizzle dance party (unintentional highlight: Her monitor refers to the Pink track as "Music," complete with quotation marks). Yeah, if anyone was equipped to make this nightmare lascivious? and maybe even speak out against what could devolve into a new era of censoring dorks like J.C. Chasez? it was Prince . . . of 15 years ago. Today's version sleepwalked through his Rain medley (killer sex album, btw), then passed the torch to the night's ubiquitous starlet, Beyoncé, for a Jay-Z-free "Crazy in Love."

Things stayed nice and flaccid. Martina McBride belted out country-pop's answer to "Janie's Got a Gun," hypnotizing millions into comas. Justin won some useless pop vocal award and sighed that it's been a "rough week"?probably not as rough as it was for, oh, say, the little girl who was kidnapped and slaughtered in Florida, but definitely a close second. Richard Marx tried his hardest not to break out "Right Here Waiting" and two tons of aerosol hair spray to steal the spotlight from Celine. Weekly associate editor Katie Millbauer mused, "I wish the Foo Fighters would get in a tour bus accident." Sam Jackson publicly lost his fucking marbles and accompanied Earth, Wind & Fire, Big Boi, and Robert Randolph on an endless funkfest that climaxed with the exhumed corpse of George Clinton floating around rasping, "We Want the Funk," in an obvious-only-to-me tribute to Gerardo's second, forgotten hit single. Yoko's AAs expired onstage as she rambled on in Yoko-speak about the "planet of music" her husband and the "three other ones" created. Faux-Christian goth slobs Evanescence stole "Best New Artist" from 50 Cent, infuriating the five cool home viewers still conscious enough to be infuriated, who were instantly rewarded by Fitty walking right up there to try to snatch what was rightfully his.

All of the schmaltzy, feel-good performances, from the Foos' dreadful "Times Like These" to Black Eyed Peas' grating can't-we-all-just- get-along anthem "Where Is the Love," rang of Bush-era brotherly love rather than Clinton-era brotherly loooooove. Chris Martin earned the first cool points of his life by dedicating Coldplay's undeserved Record of the Year award to two Johns: Cash (where the shit was the tribute?) and Kerry, "who will hopefully be your president one day." And hopefully employ a cigar on an intern and inadvertently make prime time a haven for raunch once again.

From indianastatesman.com

CBS: innovator of censorship
Off the cuff

By Jared Sexton
February 11, 2004

10 days ago Janet Jackson took the stage for the halftime show at the Super Bowl, and murdered a group of Cub Scouts in a bloody rage. Or at least that's the vibe I'm getting.

It was a breast. A right breast, to be exact. I saw it. You saw it. We all saw it. Most of us rewound our TiVos or satellites to see it again. Maybe five or six times. But the point is: It was a breast. Most of us have seen one or two or more in our lives, and God willing, we'll see a couple more.

So, why does one silver-medallion covered breast have to ruin everything? I try to drink my coffee and ignore it, but I can't help but wonder if I prefer CNN's checkered blur to FOX News' pasty blur out. I go to class, but all I hear is "Oh my God! Did you see it?"

I've waited a year to hear President Bush admit he led us to Iraq under false pretenses, then he does, and the headline reads: "Janet Not Invited to the Grammys." Where is my time to gloat? Something is seriously wrong here.

And the Grammys. My God. The only thing missing from the ceremony was a casket. Are we that sad that the right breast of a woman was exposed on TV? Honestly? If so, tell me, let me know, I'll go along with it, I just need the information to get behind this thing.

Something has to be done, though, if nudity is the worst offense a person could ever commit, even worse than telling a lie that led to hundreds of American soldiers dying needlessly. So, CBS stepped up to the plate and instituted a 5 minute delay, and threatened that any mention of Ms. Jackson would be stripped from the broadcast.

It should be no surprise that CBS is leading this new censorship charge, however, as the network is the standard bearer. It began, cutting its teeth in the early 60's, when the Smothers Brothers were given their very own variety show. After some political jokes found their way on air, CBS began a group of watchdogs, (the model for all modern "standards and practices"), and eventually fired the singing brothers. Years and years of behind the scenes censoring began, until it was taken on the air in 1994.

CBS's flagship news program, 60 Minutes, was about to show a very scathing report concerning Big Tobacco and its awareness of its product's addictive nature, when executives pulled the plug on the story, caving in under legal threats. Similarly, last year the network cancelled its controversial mini-series "The Reagans" when conservatives began to complain that it would show their vaunted leader in a "waning light." And maybe it was bad karma, for CBS had refused to air two ads, one for the liberal website MoveOn.org, the other for PETA, during the Super Bowl, claiming they did not "conform" to their "standards."

But, this listing of grievances is not meant to try and stop CBS's transgressions upon the freedom of speech in anyway, for the doctrine of censorship has pervaded their ideals far too much, but instead, perhaps deter other networks from instituting similar practices. ESPN, for instance, delayed the Pro Bowl by five minutes on Sunday, and even cancelled NSYNC's JC Chasez's performance, in fear of a comparable "embarrassment." In his place, however, was a field full of men in hula skirts, singing about Hawaii.

And I wonder: if a breast being exposed is the biggest threat of keeping speech free, isn't it worth it?

From citizenonline.net

More Super Bowl fallout: Watch your parts of speech
Jim Hendricks

The fallout from Janet Jackson’s unexpected exposure during the Super Bowl continues.

Justin Timberlake, you might recall, was singing with Jackson during the Super Bowl halftime show and said he would strip her naked. Then he made good on the threat, at least in regard to her right breast.
Here’s what’s happened since then:

• Some English dude in a ref’s outfit stripped down to a jock strap and tennis shoes at the start of the second half and eluded authorities until a football player knocked him
down.

• CBS immediately denied that the guy was part of the halftime show, and Timberlake’s handlers issued a statement that Timberlake had not touched the streaker’s clothes.

• Pro wrestling magnate Vince McMahon banged his head on his desk for not thinking of something like this before his XFL folded.

• The New England Patriots defeated the Carolina Panthers on a last-second field goal. No blatant nudity was involved.

• CBS apologized. Like most networks, it blamed bad acting.

• Jackson and Timberlake issued apologies. Like most performers who bomb, they blamed the material.

• Officials for DeMask of Manhattan, who provided Jackson’s garment, were angry because the rock stars made their flimsy bustier appear flimsy.

• The FCC, fresh off its determination that Bono had not, in fact, been obscene when he used the F-word on live TV because he was clever enough to use it as an adjective instead of a verb, announced it was launching a full-scale investigation into the sordid Jackson affair to determine what part of speech was involved.

• Congress, in particular need of something to outrage against in an election year, became appropriately outraged at the scurrilous behavior and began drafting legislation that is expected to easily pass both houses as soon as the equally appropriate pork-barrel amendments ensuring re-election are added. Congresspersons throughout the nation noted they were shocked at the images, no matter how many times they watched them.

• NBC announced it was cutting a scene from “ER” in which an 80-year-old patient’s breast had been exposed strictly for dramatic and creative purposes, not merely a crass attempt to reach the male 75-and-older market.

• Janet Jackson became the most searched-for image in the history of the Internet, surpassing the on-air Madonna-Britney kiss and the Al-Tipper Gore smooch. TV execs saw the numbers and began working on a “Good Times” reunion show.

• Terri Carlin of Tennessee edged out the rest of America to become the first to file a suit in federal court on behalf of everyone who watched the Super Bowl. Defendants are Jackson, Timberlake, CBS, MTV and Viacom. Others planned to go for even deeper pockets by suing the late Philo T. Farnsworth for inventing TV transmission and God for creating breasts.

• CBS announced JC Chasez, one of Timberlake’s ’N Sync bandmates, would not be allowed to perform at halftime of the Pro Bowl. The network said it simply couldn’t risk a recurrence that might be seen by as many as dozens of viewers.

• CBS also decided to use “enhanced delay” in broadcasting Sunday’s Grammy awards, just in case another singer in need of a career boost resorted to spontaneous nudity or verbs on the air.

• Several musical types blasted conservative values for dampening artistic freedom. But no one knows Bono’s position. It was bleeped because they were afraid he had made it in the form of a verb.

Jim Hendricks is a columnist for the Albany Herald.